Women Over Fifty Who Travel Solo…Around the World. They Say You Can Too!

by Patti Huck | ADVENTURE, INSPIRING, PLAYING, TRAVELING | 5 comments

Women Over Fifty Who Travel Solo…Around the World. They Say You Can Too!

Have You Ever Wanted to Travel Solo? You know…just take off, all by yourself?

Have you always dreamed of traveling to exciting destinations. Flitting from here to there, drinking in the sights, experiencing the culture, actually seeing first hand all the exciting places you’ve only read about?

Are you a woman over fifty who would love to travel but circumstances have caused you to feel you’re not able to?

Is it because you have no one to go with you?
Are you afraid of traveling alone?
Is it because you can’t afford it?

What’s keeping you from seeing all the places you’ve always dreamed of? Do you really, really want to travel? The women you’ll read about below wanted it bad enough that they made it happen.

Most of these women felt the hardest part was just making the decision to do it. Some overcame their fear of traveling alone by first dipping their toe in with a short trip. Most dove in head first.

What would it feel like to sell everything you owned, stuff a backpack full of the only possessions you had left, and hit the road? No obligations and only adventure on your horizon?

The women below all travel. By themselves. They love it. In fact, they prefer it. Most of them are over 50.

Some are nomads with no permanent residence…going from one exciting destination to the next.
Some prefer luxury travel (but have found ways to experience luxury on a budget).
Some like getting into the nitty gritty of the cultures in places they stay, and live among the locals.

But what do they live on? How do they support their travels?

Some do house sitting. (House sitting in Italy? OMG, sign me up!)
Some work remotely at their regular profession from whatever country they’re currently exploring. Play by day, fire up the computer and work by night.

They’ll tell you exactly how they do it. The circumstances that caused them to make the decision to pack and go. They’ll tell you what it’s like to be completely on your own in a foreign country.

All of these women write blogs about their adventures. They share packing, safety, dining and etiquette tips for solo traveling that they’ve learned along the way. They share gorgeous photos from places some of us have only dreamed of going, and they tell us stories about their adventures.

They all have different stories, but the one thing it seems they are all saying is…

Anyone can travel, at any time, anywhere. You just have to decide to do it, and then DO IT!

So…grab your favorite beverage, settle in and prepare to be entertained. Clicking the red buttons will take you to each of their individual sites. Explore. Look at their photos. Visit the “About” pages on their sites to get to know them and their stories. I was fascinated. I’m sure you will be too. Enjoy!

Dyanne

TRAVELN LASS

So if it’s inspiration you’re after – a gentle nudge to make your own travel dreams come true, then you’ve come to the right place. Nothing gives me more pleasure than to think that my crazy travel tales (especially as a solo lass “of a certain age”) might inspire some other lass or lad (of any age) to follow their own brand of bliss, and just pop on a backpack and DO IT!

Note from Patti: This is one of my favorite sites. Dyanne is such an entertaining and engaging writer you feel as if she’s telling you stories over coffee. She’s down to earth and real, and just sounds like someone I’d love to know.

GO TO TRAVELN LASS

Barbara

HOLE IN THE DONUT

Working for years at a job she didn’t enjoy, Barbara kept asking herself “Who am I, why am I here, and what is my purpose in life?”After becoming ill and suffering for five years, she was finally diagnosed and treated for chronic Lyme Disease.

As soon as she was healthy enough, she left her job, strapped on a backpack, and traveled solo around the world for six months, determined to visit the places she’d always wanted to see.

Upon returning to the States in September of 2007, she rented an apartment in Florida and continued to travel more than half of the time, while simultaneously pursuing freelance writing opportunities. By the end of 2009 she was traveling so much that it made no sense to maintain a home base, so she sold or gave away her remaining furniture and hit the road full time.

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Sherry

OTTS WORLD

I am currently in my mid 40’s and have been traveling and living on the road (yes, homeless) since 2006. How did I become a digital wanderer, New Nomad, career break guru, and have the most enviable job in the world?

I’m Sherry, a corporate cube dweller turned nomadic traveler. I travel to off-the-beaten-path destinations to bring you unique travel experiences and photography. But it’s not just about travel, it’s also about life experiences of a middle age wanderer.

I quit my corporate IT job in 2006 and said goodbye to blackberries, meetings and New York City. My original intention was to simply take a career break and come back after a year and determine next steps. I traveled around the world to 23 countries, finding a new exciting world outside of my office walls. My eyes were opened to possibilities and the beauty of simplicity; I didn’t want to go back to my old corporate existence. Instead I sold my possessions and relocated to Vietnam for one year in order to keep traveling. To make money I taught ESL, sold photography, and started really working at building a blogging and writing presence, including launching my other career break travel website,

GO TO OTTS WORLD

Cheryl & Lisa

WHAT BOUNDARIES? TRAVEL

Before we started “What Boundaries? Live Your Dream!” we DID have normal jobs like everyone else. Really we did. But in 2007, we decided to sell everything and get an around-the-world plane ticket. This travel bug was only supposed to last 6 months, max. But somewhere along the way – we got hooked.

We’ve volunteered in South Africa and Mexico, WOOFed in Hawaii and New Zealand, and backpacked across Europe and Asia. So far, we’ve traveled to 5 continents, 48 countries and well over 250 cities. And we’re just getting started!

GO TO WHAT BOUNDARIES? TRAVEL

Leyla

WOMEN ON THE ROAD

Women on the Road is for women who are curious, smart, enterprising, enthusiastic, inspired or dynamic – women who want to see the world on their own terms, usually solo (though someone might occasionally tag along) but always independently.

Women on the Road is for women who are ready to take one big fat bite out of life and smack their lips in glee afterward.

Women on the Road shows you how any woman, of any age, can hit the road, on her own – and enjoy every minute.

GO TO WOMEN ON THE ROAD

Mary Jo

TRAVELING WITH MJ

MJ, is a traveler, travel writer, podcaster, and publisher. When she’s not on a trip, she’s planning or researching the next one and has a bag always packed, ready for the next great adventure. Her travel ethos is Value Luxury – that sweet spot where experience and price intersect to create WOW.

GO TO TRAVELING WITH MJ

Tam

TRAVELS WITH TAM

When I became an emptynester, I began traveling more adventurously, and solo, as well as writing about my journeys, and thus Travels with Tam was born! My posts include many photographs, so if you love travel photography, food, wildlife and underwater photographs, you have come to the right place. I share stories about traveling, food, luxury hotels, adventure trips, scuba diving, and citizen science.

I want to inspire others to get out and see the world, to expand their knowledge and enlarge their perspective. You can travel and “do good” for yourself, others and our planet at the same time!

GO TO TRAVELS WITH TAM

Penny

ADVENTURES OF A CARRY-ON

I’m a professional makeup artist with a bad case of wanderlust, an eye for detail, a WSET certified wino, and yes, I’m addicted to Italy.

A curious person, I’m interested in learning, creating, self discovery, connecting with people, having adventures, and discovering beauty. Travel writing and photography are just a way for me to express myself.

Adventures of a Carry-on is a place I’ve created to fill with all the things I find beautiful and inspiring – art, architecture, culture, people, food and wine and of course, travel!

What you will find at Adventures of a Carry-on

You might find me stomping through vineyards in the Italian countryside, or flying over Napa Valley wineries in a hot air balloon.

I will share first-hand accounts of the places I’m traveling to including; intimate details of tours, wineries, restaurants, hotels and more. Travel lightly, experience deeply is the way I like to roll.

GO TO ADVENTURES OF A CARRY-ON

Janice

Tracey

Solo Traveler World - solo travel | Women Over Fifty Network

Janice: A love of travel, personal loss and an empty nest all conspired for me to begin Solo Traveler in 2009. Resonating with thousands of readers, it quickly went from personal to public and the Solo Traveler Project began. Janice has been called the doyen of solo travel.

Tracey: One day, when I had dragged Janice out to yet another food and wine event, I was explaining what was special about each of the components of our meal: where the vegetables had been grown, how the cattle had been raised, and why the soil and climate of the local region resulted in a stunning wine. She invited me to write my very first post for Solo Traveler.

Now, as Editor and Food & Wine Travel Columnist for Solo Traveler, I eat, drink, and cook my way around the world, sharing my (frequently wonderful, sometimes unusual) experiences with readers.

GO TO SOLO TRAVELER WORLD

Susan

Solo Trips & Tips - solo travel | Women Over Fifty Network

SOLO TRIPS AND TIPS

You are never too old to start traveling solo. I was already 30 years old when I took my first overseas trip alone. Actually, I was 29 years and 300+ days. I celebrated my 30th birthday while in Singapore.

There is no right way or wrong way to travel solo. Not everyone should become a nomad. Although I do think everyone should give solo travel a try at least once in their life! Even if you just get out and explore your own city alone, that too could be your start to solo travel my friend 🙂

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Debbra

TROPICAL TRAVEL GIRL

Tropical travel has become my passion. I’ve never met an island I didn’t like, although I’ve liked some better than others. I’m often asked questions like, “What is your favorite island?” and “I’m thinking of going somewhere tropical on my next vacation. Where should I go?”

Through my destination content, blog posts, and photos, I hope to be able to help anyone interested in planning a trip to the tropics, and because every destination is different, I want to help you discover where your ideal island destination may be.

I’ll also be sharing information and advice about planning, packing, and how to navigate the ever-changing world of travel.

GO TO TROPICAL TRAVEL GIRL

Jennifer

SOLO TRAVEL GIRL

I founded Solo Travel Girl because I found myself traveling alone, not lonely. My personal experiences are meant to inspire and empower other travelers to shed their fears and travel solo. I admit to still having uncomfortable butterflies when dining alone in a chichi restaurant or participating in an activity geared toward couples or families but I shrug off my insecurities and indulge in the moment of discovery and adventure.

Topics I blog about include Florida, domestic and international travel, culinary, nature-based/outdoor adventures, solo travel, girlfriend getaways, product reviews and travels with a dog.

GO TO SOLO TRAVEL GIRL

Dr. Cacinda Maloney

POINTS AND TRAVEL

I have traveled every six weeks of my life for over 25+ years.

A Doctor by profession, I gave up my career six years ago to travel the world even more!

Points and Travel is not your ordinary travel and lifestyle blog. We are a travel resource of content related to destinations about adventure, culture, and smart luxury travel–maximizing dollars for the greatest luxurious experiences.

Storytelling and photography are my two passions. This is what I primarily do when I travel. Look for a great story about a place and then photograph it. My extensive travels have inspired me to write and share some of my extensive luxury travel experiences with you.

GO TO POINTS AND TRAVEL

Donna

NOMAD WOMEN

The whole point of Nomad Women is to help you, inspire you and empower all you current and future mature, experienced, wonderful Nomad Women, to get up, get out and see the world!

If you have any questions or comments that can help me achieve that, I want to hear them!

GO TO NOMAD WOMEN

Do you know of any Over Fifty Women Solo Travelers that I missed? Shout them out in the comment below. Or if you’re a Solo Woman Traveler, be sure to comment with the name of your site!

Until next time…peace out.

Patti Huck image and signature

“This Ain’t Your Mama’s Wedding!” A Mom Helps Plan Her Daughter’s Wedding

by Patti Huck | GUEST POSTS, LIVING | 5 comments

“This Ain’t Your Mama’s Wedding!” A Mom Helps Plan Her Daughter’s Wedding

I’m so happy to share this post by another member of the Women Over Fifty Bloggers community. Reading her story brought a tear to my eye remembering my own daughter’s wedding and feeling the same shock when helping her plan (and pay for) it. Time is definitely marching on and nothing seems to escape modernization. But…there are still some things that will never change. Enjoy Mary Jo’s story, and be sure to share your thoughts in the comments below.

GUEST BLOGGER: MARY JO MARTIN

Blogger: Visiting the Gray Planet

Mary Jo is a happy-to-be 57-yr old blogger living in Denver, Colorado. She launched her lifestyle blog for middle aged women in April of this year. Her writing focuses mainly on aging parents, retirement and gray hair.

Mary Jo states that aging is like grade school math: “you’re going to add some things and subtract some things”.

When confronted with the realities that growing older brings, she feels it’s easier when you have good information and you know you’re not alone.

Weddings Have Changed (and that’s putting it mildly!)

My daughter got married last summer which made me a first-time mother of the bride.

The night they got engaged was magical. I remember the young man who couldn’t quit smiling and the future bride glowing with love and excitement. Now I know what they mean by “love is in the air.” As I was glowing with pride and soaking this all in, the arresting thought that we would be putting on a wedding hit me. It was the first of many shocking realizations I was about to discover.

I got married in 1987 and had a lovely wedding very much in line with the standards of the ’80’s. Perms for all! My mother and I planned everything together. We bought 1 bridal magazine and talked to friends who had wedding experience. In a moment of liberalism, we let my groom-to-be choose his own clothes for the wedding. Other than that, his job was to have his mom call me so we could compile a guest list.

So imagine my surprise, when my future son-in-law wanted to be involved in planning his wedding. Apparently this is a thing now: couples planning their wedding together.

I was already a little off-kilter, this being the first wedding in my family with me a member of the older generation. While my daughter’s friends, in their matching bridesmaid dresses, were out on the dance floor, my friends from college and I were competing in the “most years married” contest.

As the planning process began, I couldn’t believe how much had changed since I planned my wedding…

Engagement Pictures

When did engagement pictures become a necessity? In the 1980’s, wealthy people occasionally did that for the newspaper but no one else did. Apparently now, this is one of the first things to be scheduled.

Invitations

While the happy couple was busy choosing coordinating outfits for pictures, I was contemplating the wording of the wedding invitations. Sadly, neither of their parents are still married (to each other anyway) so to include the names of all involved along with the date, would lead to a lot of extra wording on the fancy 5 x7 invitations with the scroll-y lettering… May eighteenth two thousand seventeen…you know, in the proper way that we did it back in the 80’s.

I was in for another surprise! The modern couple chose a tri-panel invitation that included no scrolls and no awkward listing of parent’s names. They filled the panels with adorable engagement pictures and information about the wedding. In addition, there were no RSVP cards! Nope. We do all that on line now.

When I was engaged, my mom kept track of all my wedding guests on 4 X 6 index cards stored in a shoe box. A 4 x 6 card was big enough to keep track of the date the invitation was mailed, their response to the RSVP, the gift we’d received and when we’d sent the thank you. I kept this box for decades because it reminded me of the excitement of planning the wedding and of all the people who were there.

Wedding Website

Soon after the engagement pictures were taken, the groom-to-be started working on their wedding website. The website includes a small data base of guest information. This is necessary for sending emails and Facebook invites so all their friends could save the date.

There’s also a section for a biography of the couple and each attendant. This does takes some of the mystery out of the actual ceremony. We used to sit in the pews and speculate, “Is that the bride’s sister? Who do you think that man is?” Now we know everyone’s full name, how they met the bride and groom, and we are also able to read their messages of congratulations on the website.

Cakes

One very good development in wedding planning is cake tasting!

The Groom-to-be was out of town during the cake-testing event, so I got to go! The bakery had 60 different types of cake flavors. 60! We narrowed our choices down to 6 and emailed the bakery so they could prepare.

When I got married, my cake choices were white, lemon, and poppy seed.

Here’s a tip for cake tasting day: If you’re going to eat 6 cupcakes with icing at 10:00 in the morning, you are going to want milk. You are also going to want to lay down when you get home.

It is now becoming common to skip the cake entirely and have other fun desserts like pie or donuts. What? I thought marriage only became legal after the couple fed each other a delicate bite of cake! They tell me this isn’t true.

Getting Inspiration

I don’t know how modern brides (oh, and grooms) ever make a decision on anything with access to so many choices. Pinterest is inspiring, but it also raises the bar on individuality. In addition to picking a dress and attendants, the trend now is to have a wedding theme: “Island Paradise”, “Wedding in a Barn”, “Summer Romance”, “New Age Bohemian”.

Of course your guest book also needs to reflect your theme. Your guests may be signing a picture frame, a log, or possibly even a surf board. Gone are the stiff little white guest books of my day.

Reception

In the 1980’s, entertainment at the reception was limited to throwing the bouquet and watching your parent’s friend’s try to dance after a few drinks. Now we have photo booths and games. Signature cocktails and slide shows. Popcorn bars. Serve yourself candy tables.

When I got married, a first class wedding gave out Jordan almonds wrapped in netting and called it good.

Planning the modern wedding was an eye-opener for me, and a challenge learning to adapt to all the changes. But with the planning over, the big day had finally arrived.

The Wedding Day

The bridesmaids giggled and fixed their hair. The bride and groom’s families got acquainted; trying to make a good impression. The wedding guests gathered and reflected fondly on their own wedding day.

The Father-of-the-bride misted up as he walked his daughter down the aisle.

The happy couple made solemn vows and anticipated their future together.

They started their newly married status surrounded by the love and good wishes of friends and family.

You know…the way weddings have always been.

You can follow Mary Jo on Pinterest HERE, and visit her blog VISITING THE GRAY PLANET for other great stories.

Until next time…

Patti Huck image and signature

Are You Over 50 and a Night Owl? Wake Up and Smell the Coffee.

by Patti Huck | AGING, LIVING, SLEEP | 18 comments

Are You Over 50 and a Night Owl? Wake Up and Smell the Coffee.

I’m a night owl. When I think back, I guess I always have been. The fact that I’m also a teeeeny bit on the obsessive side has a little something to do with it.

For instance, I’ve always loved to read. Normally someone will read until “bedtime”, slap a bookmark in, and pick up where they left off the next evening. Nope. I remember even way back to my grade school years staying up half the night to finish a book I’d been reading.

I don’t like being told what to do. I don’t like rules. And apparently, I don’t like a predetermined “bedtime”.

Having been a single mom who worked from home and had very active kids, I savored the quiet time after they were asleep, and usually extended it into the wee hours of the morning.

Throughout my life, even after my kids were grown and even after I had remarried at 50, I still continued that routine. I’ve owned few online businesses, and discovered that I did my best work after 11 p.m. No phone calls, no texts, no emails that needed immediate replies. I could focus better without interruptions, and my time was my own.

I’m sure you’re asking by now, “so where are you going with this?”. Well, here’s the deal. Lately I’ve been thinking that I may not be able to stay up half the night anymore, and function on just 3-4 hours of sleep. Wha-a-a-t? I know – to most this is a no-brainer. To me, it was a shock.

I’d been waking up tired (a lot of times late in the morning), and was annoyed as soon as I saw the clock because I’d lost half my morning. I’d go through the day in a pissy mood, draggin’ ass, not feeling like exercising, irritable, grabbing a handful of…whatever any time I passed through the kitchen, and feeling every single one of my 63 years. I drug myself through my days only to stay up late again that night. It was a vicious cycle.

Every night I’d make my to-do list for the next day (I’m a major list-maker). It started at 7 am: Get dressed. Walk. Shower. Water plants. Clean up kitchen. Make bed.

During my supposed “focused” time while I was writing my list, it all seemed so doable. I loved that my chores and exercise would be done by 8:15, then I’d start my work day. But like the saying goes, “It looks good on paper”.

Each day I’d get up late, and right off the bat be behind. With emails already piled up needing attention, calls needing to be returned, decisions needing to be made, I was forced to start eliminating things on my to-do list. Guess which item never made the cut? You guessed it. Exercise.

I’d beat myself up for what I hadn’t gotten done, and stress out about what I still needed to do. My mind was very rarely in the present moment. I couldn’t focus on getting one thing done, because I was distracted by the bazillion other things dancing around in my head, or scattered across my desk.

My husband, who’s a schedule person, has been trying to convince me for years that I’d have more energy and be more productive if I went to bed earlier “like most people”, and got up earlier in the morning. I’m not one that’s good with schedules or restrictions. I have trouble doing something because it’s what “most people” do, or because “it’s good for me”. So I basically told him to mind his own beeswax.

In my mind I’m still 40, but this ol’ body hasn’t seen 40 in quite a few years, and I knew that sitting all day at my computer wasn’t doing it any favors. I was well aware that I needed to exercise and take care of myself, and not doing it was stressing me out. I knew I needed to make a change or I was going to stroke out.

So this morning, I got up at sunrise, put on the cool Nike’s my daughters gave me, and planned on taking a quick walk. It was already warm out, but not hot. It was quiet.

When I headed out my driveway and clicked START WORKOUT on my Map My Walk phone app, I had the normal chaos filling my head, but after a block or two, the chatter quieted a bit and I started to actually look around me. As the sun came up, I noticed how incredibly clear and blue the sky was. I could smell the flowers in the yards I was passing. I was aware of the birds and the sounds around me. Even though I was walking at a pretty fast pace, it seemed effortless. That thought filled me with gratitude that I’m physically able to walk without pain.

That one thought started a snowball effect. Instead of the usual mental lists, my head was filled with only thoughts of gratitude. I was grateful for the life I’d been given and that I’m still here to live it when so many others weren’t able to.

And it continued…I was grateful that my kids are all healthy and happy, that I’m still madly in love with my husband who has stuck with me through the good and the bad. I was thankful for my health, for the work that I’m passionate about and am able to do from home… Our home… My determination… My empathy… Our grandkids… My friends… The closeness that I have with my family.

I didn’t want to stop walking. My body felt strong and my mind uncluttered. For 30 minutes, I’d found quiet and peace within myself.

Returning rested and clear-headed, I realized I got more out of my half hour walk this morning than the four hours I normally spend, late at night, in my quest for quiet time. I loved being in the moment. I hadn’t visited it in a very long time.

Damn I hate it when Paul’s right.

So I suggest to you, take a breath today. Look around you. Take a minute and be thankful for what you have. It’s the little things that go unnoticed, the things you don’t see that you take for granted. Acknowledge them. Don’t live so strongly in the past or the future that you aren’t able to see the present. Life is short.

Until next time…

One Size Fits…None. The Dressing Room From Hell.

by Patti Huck | AGING, LIVING | 1 comment

One Size Fits…None. The Dressing Room From Hell.

Hey all!

I’m thrilled to be sharing this post with you! You know how much I love connecting you with other women over fifty bloggers, right? Well, let me introduce you to Marcia Kester Doyle. Marcia writes about all the pitfalls of aging on her blog “Menopausal Mother“, but helps us laugh about them. She was kind enough to let me share a chapter from her book “Who Stole My Spandex? Life in the Hot Flash Lane“. I’m pretty sure you’re going to love Marcia.

Be sure to comment below to let her know if you can relate to her experience going clothes shopping!

GUEST BLOGGER: Marcia Kester Doyle

Marcia, a humor blogger, muses on the good, the bad, and the ugly side of midlife mayhem. Give her a glass of wine and a jar of Nutella, and she’ll be your best friend. It’s rogue humor at it’s finest!

She is a BlogHer Voice of the Year 2014 recipient and VoiceBoks Top Hilarious Parent Blogger 2014. She was also voted as a Top 25 Blogger in the Circle of Moms Contest 2013. She is a native Floridian and married mother of four children, as well as being a grandparent to a feisty toddler

One Size Fits None. The Dressing Room From Hell

I hate shopping for clothes, which explains why I’ve never been accused of being a fashionista. It also explains why my daughters always call to ask what I’m wearing before bringing their friends over to the house.

After birthing four babies by C-section, I now find shopping for clothes less enticing than a root canal. I might enjoy it more if I was twenty-five pounds lighter, because shopping just isn’t as fun when I have to head straight for the Woman’s Plus department, where everything comes in black, white, or shower-curtain pattern.

My husband often accompanies me during my clothes hunting expeditions, usually because he is: a) bored with all five hundred cable channels, b) in need of replenishing his tube sock collection, or c) wanting to make sure I don’t spend all my cash on animal-print house dresses and takeout from Burger Barn. He parks his butt on a sofa outside the changing rooms and plays with his phone while I’m pondering the age-old question of zippers versus control-top panels.

I try to be frugal while I shop, but the problem with the clearance section is that there are only two clothing sizes left on the rack by the time I get there—hummingbird and mastodon. It’s always a challenge to find an outfit that doesn’t leave me looking like the exploding dough from a tube of Pillsbury crescent rolls.

It’s the same adventure every time I go shopping. I shoot past the regular lingerie (like I’ll ever be able to squeeze myself into a hot fuchsia number the size of a rubber band) to the “Full Figure” aisle, where the bras hang like double-boulder slingshots. Then I whiz past the shoe section, jewelry department, and all those adorable maternity outfits. I think, “Oh, look at the cute, faux-denim stretch pants designed to hide a pregnancy bump!” before self-consciously rubbing my stomach. Nope, no baby in there—just the jelly roll the last kid left behind.

Once I’m able to find a dress that doesn’t resemble a large paint tarp, I grab a few more items (twelve, actually, because I have no idea what the size du jour is going to be—I need a sampler platter of three different sizes for each outfit). I then head for the dreaded dressing room with an armload of clothes that will most likely end up back on the rack. It’s always at this moment that I wish I lived in the 1500s, where everyone bought one-size-fits-all clothing from Dirty Smocks “R” Us, and dressed by dim candlelight to mask the effects of a stout-and-potato diet.

I’m wary of stepping into dressing rooms because I know there are some shoppers who use these cubicles for more than just trying on clothes. I know this because several of my children have worked in major department stores over the years, and they’ve shared a few nightmare tales that have scarred me for life. Department stores should consider posting helpful signs to keep paranoid people like me from worrying about stepping into DNA samples left by the previous occupants. The signs could flash messages like “FECAL-FREE ZONE!” or “MOTEL 6 IS DOWN THE STREET … THEY’LL LEAVE A LIGHT ON FOR YOU!”

Wishing to God for a shot of liquid courage before I enter the “chamber of truth,” I stall by the clearance rack for a few more minutes, until a skinny, perky salesclerk approaches me. She asks if I’m ready to try on my new clothes, and her chipper tone sets my teeth on edge. Can’t she see I’m breaking into a sweat over the fact that my actual dress size is about to be revealed?

I’m ushered into a mirrored cubicle the size of Thumbelina’s closet, and told to “have fun” while trying on the clothes. Have fun? The only way that would ever happen is if the dressing room included a well-stocked mini fridge. No, this is where the true horror begins. I shimmy out of my old, comfortable clothes and cringe as I view myself in panoramic funhouse mirrors that display my front, back, and sides. I’m immediately reminded of a peeled potato.

Concluding that the department store must have gotten a really good deal on mirrors from a traveling circus, I weed through my pile of clothing. One floral-print dress is reminiscent of something my grandmother wore in 1939. An orange blouse makes me look like an Oompa Loompa. An ill-fitting pair of jeans causes my flesh to ooze out over the waistband like Play-Doh. To make matters worse, I’m having to struggle into all of this torturous clothing under unflattering fluorescent lights that expose every fold, flap, bulge, and scar bestowed upon my body by childbirth and years of yo-yo dieting.

I decide on a few items of clothing that promise to lift, tuck, flatten, and flatter the body, and I notice that everything I’ve chosen is: a) made of NASA-approved spandex and b) one shade—black. So what if I end up with a bag of clothing resembling a mortician’s closet?

I approach the checkout counter, and it never fails—there’s always an angry woman ahead of me shouldering three returns and a missing receipt. To top it all off, she was clearly once the president of her high school debate team. My eye starts twitching as she engages in refund warfare with the young girl behind the cash register. Obviously neither one of these women knows that I’m already two hours late to walk a dog known for his daily bouts of IBS.

Once home, I face the daunting task of cleaning out old clothes to make room for the new. I’m a firm believer in recycling, and have found some creative ways to repurpose my granny panties with a needle and thread. With a garbage bag full of threadbare underpants and a few quick stitches, I can make an outdoor patio umbrella, a tent for camping trips, or an heirloom quilt for the grandkids.

I try the new clothes on again in the privacy of my own bedroom, but they don’t look as good as they did in the dressing room. This just confirms what I’ve believed all along—that department store mirrors are designed to make every woman appear as shapely as an hour glass. When I look in my own mirror at home, all I see is a potato dressed up in a shower curtain. A black shower curtain.

Chances are good that I’ll be returning all of my one-size-fits-none clothing to the mall—but only after a quick stop at the Burger Barn.

Marcia has written for The Huffington Post, Humor Outcasts, In the Powder Room, and What The Flicka.

She has been featured on numerous sites such as Scary Mommy, BlogHer, The Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop, Midlife Boulevard, Boomeon, and BA50 among others.

She is a contributing author to the following books: The Mother of All Meltdowns, Clash of the Couples, Motherhood: May Cause Drowsiness, Sunshine After the Storm, To Bliss and Back, Parenting Gag Reel, and will be featured in the forthcoming anthologies: Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor, Mom for the Holidays, and How Can You Laugh at a Time Like This?

Who Stole My Spandex? Life In The Hot Flash Lane is available on Amazon in both Kindle and Paperback formats.

Click Here to Get Your Copy Now on Amazon!

Somebody Said That It Couldn’t Be Done – A Memory From Catholic School

by Patti Huck | CATHOLIC SCHOOL, MEMORIES, NOSTALGIA

Somebody Said That It Couldn’t Be Done – A Memory From Catholic School

When I went to Catholic school, one of the things that the nuns put a lot of emphasis on was memorization. We memorized long-ass prayers. We memorized the Latin words to hymns for choir.

Every week everyone had to choose, memorize, and recite a poem in front of the class. When your turn came, you had to be prepared – the nuns didn’t tolerate anything less. There were days that I was sweating it out at my desk while I struggled with a particular line trying desperately to commit it to memory while waiting for my turn.

As much as I resisted most of the rituals I experienced in my eight years at St. Paschal’s, I have to give those nuns kudos for their teaching methods. Not only did this particular exercise teach me to appreciate poetry, and read about authors of long ago, but in an attempt to memorize a long poem, if there were words or phrases that weren’t familiar to me, it forced me to look them up. Those nuns knew exactly what they were doing!

Once I understood the word or phrase, the meaning of the poem became more clear making it easier to memorize. I was then able to inject a little emphasis and personality into it that helped me entertain some very bored classmates instead of standing up there in front of everyone, sweating like a mutha and just regurgitating words.

In sixth grade I chose a particular poem in Sister Mary Kathleen’s class that has stuck with me. I recited it often to my kids as they were growing up, and I’ve called on it repeatedly to help pull me up by my bootstraps throughout my entire life.

Some things never go out of style. I hope you find inspiration in this quirky little poem and that it gives you encouragement and determination at times you may need it, just the way it has me and still continues to…

It Couldn’t Be Done

Somebody said that it couldn’t be done

But he with a chuckle replied

That “maybe it couldn’t,” but he would be one

Who wouldn’t say so till he’d tried.

So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin

On his face. If he worried he hid it.

He started to sing as he tackled the thing

That couldn’t be done, and he did it!

Somebody scoffed: “Oh, you’ll never do that;

At least no one ever has done it;”

But he took off his coat and he took off his hat

And the first thing we knew he’d begun it.

With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,

Without any doubting or quiddit,

He started to sing as he tackled the thing

That couldn’t be done, and he did it.

There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,

There are thousands to prophesy failure,

There are thousands to point out to you one by one,

The dangers that wait to assail you.

But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,

Just take off your coat and go to it;

Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing

That “cannot be done,” and you’ll do it.

EDGAR ALBERT GUEST

1881-1959

Did anyone else go to Catholic school? Do you have any poems, quotes or mantras that get you through tough times? I’d love to hear them. Please share yours in the comments below.

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